1. Tell the truth. Your children’s trust in your truthfulness is key to helping them cope with the changes that divorce brings. They will ask many questions. If you genuinely don’t know, tell them that, along with the steps you are taking to have answers soon. If they ask an embarrassing question, don’t lie to make yourself look good.
2. Be willing to revise the schedule. Over time, schedules need to be altered, especially the ones designed amid the emotions of the initial separation/ divorce. Set up a “trial period” for six or 12 months, see what works and what doesn’t work. Listen to what your kids sat. If it needs modifying for the children’s sake, do it without resorting to legal battles.
3. Avoid short visits frustrate parents and children and distrupt the flow of the week. A mod-week, evening visit seldom offers enough time to get comfortable together before the sadness of parting takes over. Long weekend visits or mid-week overnights work better.
4. Keep two parents in your children’s lives. Even if you no longer wish to speak to or see your spouse again, your children should be encouraged to continue spending time with you both. Badmouthing the other parent- even if their behavior is reprehensible-upsets your children and doesn’t reflect well on you.
5. Schedule telephone calls. Calls can be inconvenient and intrusive. Set a time when the kids can call you or a time when you can call them. On weekends, calling first thing in the morning means nobody has to wait around. Daily calls may make children worry that you are lonely.
6. Stay accessible to your children. When families split up, children fear they will lose contact with the parent they see less often and need reassurance that both parents will be accessible. With e-mail and fax available, even in schools or neighbors’’ houses, and beepers and cell phones becoming commonplace, any child above the age of 3 or 4 can be taught how to reach you.
Make a laminated card for your children with all the relevant phone numbers and e-mail addresses.
7. Let your children read the settlement. There are rules, limits and schedules contained in the settlement agreement that did not exist before. Most children want to know what it say, so show it to them or write an understandable version, which indicates time with each parent, how to change the schedule and the financial provisions for living expenses, extracurricular activities and college tuition.
8. Listen to your children when they say they caused the divorce, Let them talk it out. Often children know that they were the focus of many arguments between parents and are convinced that their bad behavior or demands caused the split-up. Understanding the way they see the situation makes you better able to help them realize that they weren’t at fault; it also relieves them of trying to undo the divorce by “trying to be good”.
9. Avoid blanket reassurance. Divorces is tough on everyone, and parents want to make it better for their children. But words like “Don’t worry” and I’ll always be here” are too vague and can shut down dialogue. Let them tell you their worst fears. Acknowledge that you have fears, too, so they feel less isolated. Stay truthful, reliable and available. Your presence in their lives is their most important reassurance.
10. Don’t use your children as messengers. Ceasing all communication with your ex-spouse leaves your children in the middle. Requests for late support payments or changes in the schedule should not go through your children. Do not use your children as spies to report back on an estranged parent’s social life or habits.
Thanks,
Health, February-2013
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